So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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