Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
