...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
