I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
