My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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