someone threw a dead crab at me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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