Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
