Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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