check it out our google latitudes are spooning
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
