he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
