you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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