just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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