You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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