I'm sorry my penis didn't work
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
last night I used snow as a chaser
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