girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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