smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
