Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
