my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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