Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
