look no pants
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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