I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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