Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
