marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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