So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
