My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
