She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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