when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
