I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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