god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
