so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
