I could make wine with my vomit
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
