Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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