we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize