i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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