I accidentally burped into my bong.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
