John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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