i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
