i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
