dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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