I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
