Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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