Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
