well you can't waste a boner
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
