My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
