JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize