Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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