So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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