I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He shit in the fireplace
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
