I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
