I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
