Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
