he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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