I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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