Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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