john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize