very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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