sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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