You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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