my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
