im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize