someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
