By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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