I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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