my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
