Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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