just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
