Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
