is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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