is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
People in love make me want to vomit
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
