you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize